(@work, 5am, answering call light on unfamiliar level of the building. a tiny, barely visible female form peers out from under the bedcovers)
ME: hi there...what can i do for you?
HER: (unflinching) you can kill me.
ME: um...(sniffing air) how bout i start by helping you clean up first?
HER: i don't care.
ME: (pulls back covers to discover woman has only one leg) oh.
HER: yeah. i probably should have warned you--
ME: no it's--
HER: --it's awful under that diaper. sorry you have to do this.
ME: (regaining composure) do you apologize to your dentist for having teeth?
HER: no?
ME: then don't apologise to the guy who gets paid to clean up your shit. i'm state certified, afterall.
(1 leg lady smiles weakly. Yolanda enters)
YOLANDA: hi mile! hi honey! (to woman) he help me. you lika him?
1 LEG LADY: oh yes. he looks like james dean.
ME: ??
YOLANDA: not jame. MILE.
ME: no she says i LOOK like--
YOLANDA: Mile! you know who you LOOKa like now with your beard?
ME: no?
YOLANDA: hahaha! Fidel Castro! (both women laugh)

"myles all your weird questions about rigamortis has me remembering this one lady we had in here. jesus christ.. she was on hospice. her daughter owned this fancy house up in the mountains. was a real piece of work that one. one night i come on, take a look at her care plan & there's a note saying don't leave this woman lying down after she dies. family instructions. i shit you not. &they want us to sit her up. & i'm praying it just don 't happen when i'm working but ofcourse it does cos *shrug* we are graveyard.sooo we look the other way & sit her up in bed.the family comes in.next thing i know i'm on the phone &they're wheeling her out of here past me, uncovered,in a wheelchair.what is this? weekend at bernies?!i fight with them not to use the main elevator so the living residents we have don't have heart attacks.they won't listen.throw a fit.home burial.no funeral announcement in the paper.she's probably still sitting in their living room. i swear you can get away with doing friggin anything if you have enough money." -Midwestern Night Nurse