(@work, 11pm, starting shift. suspect nurse #1 is sorting meds on a cart)
SUSPECT NURSE #1: (sorority girl perky) oh hi! do you think you could get vitals on 111? they had a fall today.
ME: sure i will. (setting voice tone to business casual)
oh hey did you photograph me sleeping on my lunchbreak and show it to our boss out of context the next morning?
HER: (blinks,swallows, looks down) um no but i heard about that afterward from a few people.
ME: oh good. so you know who did it.
HER: i...'m not.. getting involved. it's messed up. (pretends to write)
ME: it's more than messed up, they fire people over that. and now you're holding back information from me about it?
HER: (roadkill stare) it's unprofessional
ME: i agree it's unprofessional. i see a lot of unprofessional things here. maybe we should all start documenting them to make a better work place for everyone. you lnow what is unfortunate?
HER: (sighing) what?
ME: i did the math, considering i know exactly when i fell asleep cause it was on break. i know the date this photo of me was taken and presented to our boss, because they came in unannounced to observe me at 4am the next shift. i know all the insomniac residents who wander the halls at night because i take care of them and none of them have cellphones they can operate, much les understand the camera of or creep up and away to take a photo with if they had reason to. i can't think of a resident's family who would visit at 2am if it wasn't an emergency and there definitey weren't any that night if i could sleep through my lunchbreak. that leaves only 2 other people in the building on noc shift working that night--you and the other cna.
HER: (blinks)
ME: you want some coffee? i was going to make some for everybody.

(at work 2am, following screams and sobs down 6th floor hallway, finding 95 year old norweigan woman staggering in pink nightgown stained with purree'd shit leaking out of her broken colostomy bag. holy run on sentence)
NORWEIGAN WOMAN: (in tears) OH MY! OH MY! OH MY! OH MY!
ME: hello! can i help you?
HER: OH MY!! OH MY!! OH MY!!!
ME: shhh. i'm on your side. let--
HER: OH MY!! OH MY!! (wailing) I WANT MY MOTHER!
ME: (trying to remain neutral) i know. she's...not..here.
HER: (screaming) I WANT MY MOTHER!!
ME:well let's go get cleaned up first.
(after cleaning, dressing, tucking in)
HER: (small child matter-of-fact deadpan) my mother is dead.
ME: i'm sorry. do you miss her?
HER: you never stop missing your mother.

"That awkward moment" when i'm at work transfering a widow in her 9os from bed to wheelchair, doing the nightly gag of humming and pretending to slowdance with her, only instead of making her laugh this time she calls me by her husbands name and tries to kiss me like its our wedding night?

sat fantasizing at a stupid mantatory work meeting today about a zombie apocalypse movie set in a nursing home. it all happens on graveyard shift. i am the only one in the lone surviving building under 65 when disaster strikes and all of portland is suddenly chewed brainless in their sleep. not that you could tell. the morning comes. i am pissed no one relieves me. i try to walk out of my job but stop when i see a city's worth of zombies rattling the front door glass as the sun rises. senior citizens take little notice and ask when mass and bingo is. i board up the windows with the help of my very confused old ladies. we form a golden girls style army weilding fireaxes maintenance tools and kitchen utensils. depends, painpills and coffee are hoarded. naturally, a zombie has been hiding among us all along and chaos ensues. gore splatters sequin sweaters in the worst ways . hearts break and/or are eaten. both the cooperation and apathy toward fighting back varies from resident to resident and reveals their broad range of attitudes toward dying. it will be better than cocoon i swear. you will cry your eyes out. teenage boys will obsess over the cgi free special effects. tactless metal bands will sample the dialogue. and yes, i know what a goddamn blood borne pathogen is you idiot i am state certified. why does this require a meeting at 10 am on my day off?

following a 12 hour farewell bender in nola, a miserable 6 hour plane and two cabrides home, i returned to pdx this evening and lurched my way through a graveyard shift on zero sleep. tonight's nursing home donnie darko-esq moment was brought to you by the dynamic duo of both echo and the bunnymen & a screaming elderly stroke victim who can now only speak broken protest phrases of hungarian. as i may have mentioned in the past, said lady has no memory beyond 15 minutes and wails unconsolably like i am raping her the whole time i change her diaper every 3 hours. no hard feelings ,though. overtime, and through the magic of reoccurring similar stunts of extreme rest deprivation, i've come to accept that dementia is not such an unreasonable retreat for anyone trapped under the strain of ridiculous circumstances. what matters is how you choose to deal? for example: just as i am transformed into a hallucinatory ghost of a husband, son or aquaintance of the past to the nostalgic alzheimer sufferer whose mind no longer wants to interact with the misery, estrangement and bleak loneliness of the inescapable present situation, i too, inturn, eventually have my limits. around 4 this morning, i was reminded. as i blinked back sleep, endured furious hand swats and hysterical "NEM!!! NEM!!!! NEMMMM!!!!"s from below while attempting to tear off a pair of shit soiled depends™ , my mind suddenlt snapped and slingshot off. stifling a mantrum, a calm voice in my head commanded me to instead drown out her relentless crying with the redirectional crooning of the first song that popped into my head. for whatever reason, it ended up being "the killing moon", and while my mock Ian McCulloch lullabye didn't deter her background vocal fits at all, it did save me from doing something i'd probably regret and go to jail for. fate, up against your will, through the thick and thin, you will wait until..

 so this is one of the new songs we've written as a two piece and recorded at home. ayla plays guitar. i play viola. the breathing in the beginning and end is of a hospice patient friend i sat with and recorded sleeping onto my cell phone. the rest was all done in studioOne. "sundowning" is a medical term for the worsening effects of dementia at night, particuarly among Alzheimer's patients. dedicated to all the friends i've lost this year. rest in peace.